Is everyone nuts or is it just me?

Thankyou Squishy for your last comment. And I was wondering if anyone was actually checking out the blog. J more advertising man...
Today's topic?

What the fuck is up with people?

This is mean as non offense to my best friend, but the longer this year goes on the more I wonder a few things...

1) Does everyone in their thirties suddenly say shit I don't know what I want/ need, my life sucks?
2) If the answer is yes is it in the water? On cable? In the food? The water system?
3)What begins a midlife crisis anyway?
4) Is the year 2005 the year of nuerotic, selfish, fucked up,self destructive behavior?
5)If the answer is yes, how long do you keep your arms inside the vehicle before it comes to a complete and total stop?
6) What the hell happened to people who had a conscience? Do these people excist anymore?
7) If treating those who hurt you the most with kindness and mercy, compassion and understanding, is there ever a point where one sees the benefits of not being a jerk?
8)What happens if the battery runs out on the hard hat you happen to be wearing when searching for light at the end of the tunnel?
9) If communication is key how the hell you do it to someone that is so lost within themselves and their own self interests and how do you do it constructively?
10) Where are my carkey's?

Anyone has an opinion let me know....

I hate monday

Woke up to a shitty up situation, just like my deceased Uncle Gary used to say. Got by it. J called me last night just before the situation worsened so he alleviated some of the stress, but not the problem.

Today finds me same as yesterday-Determined.

See I went down and got the EX's water bill paid today. Knowing that sooner or later I would hear from her wondering if I got that bill taken care of for her. See I offered she got an attitude and was showing off in front of the new boytoy who hasn't done a frigging thing while she has been in trouble. She's had a rough time as of late taking care of her responsibilities because...well she's been busy?!!! Irresponsible? Enjoying freedom??? I don't know it's anyone's guess now. For two weeks I waited patiently until she got the phones turned back on again, to have her call and tell me the phones were on. I guess I should just be thankful she called right? Of coarse she's going to forget she was an out and out bitch to me last week.

I gave my daughter a call because I gave her my cell phone, and talked to her and she was the one who asked for my ex if I paid the water bill. She couldn't be bothered I guess, new life and all.

The woman irks me to no end. She makes all these decisions, which fucks her and affects the kids and me like a dumbass will come to her rescue for the sake of the kids. Like the water bill.
I wonder sometimes how long people remain completely oblivious when they are being bone heads....What do you guys think?

Hmmm yeah it has been awhile

Just got done reading J's post about anger, and responded the best way I could. I thought it was weird I am reading it going, oh no you don't dude. At the same time it reminded me of old times. J and I as written before were notorious for discussing life and relationships at his old pad, in the basement, usually between the hours of Two a.m. to sometimes six o'clock in the morning. The only other person I would talk to that long would be Ann. But J and I would sit there trying to figure out bullshit, like the meaning of life, why people are fucked up, what the hell is with selfish people, are there good guys in the world and where are all the good girls for the good guys. Then we separated for a while and got busy with our lives, and now we have come full circle, both of us in our own way asking the very same fucking questions we were asking twelve, or thirteen years ago. The more things change the more they stay the same. Yeah that's part of it, if you're not aware of history you are due to repeat it. Yeah, again that's true. Different situations with different people that we are dealing with but for the most part we are still basically the same, a little older a little wiser, but the best of what we were is still very much around.

Both of us were notorious for taking a break, both of us were so independent when it came to the jokers we both hung out with, and hell sometimes we took breaks from eachother, but in the end he would say something to crack me up and I could do the same for him, and both of us would kick eachother in the ass. "You know you're full of shit Joel and you've always been full of shit..." became a joke between me and him and we used to use that line on eachother. I apreciate every damn question he asked on that last post, because I can't think of a line he wrote that I haven't asked myself within the last four or five months. But he'll figure it out, same as me. Richard Bach wrote "Here's a test to figure out if your mission on earth is done; If you're alive it isn't." Little shit like that has kept me going since I was a teenager. Both of us went through the dumbass kid suicidal trip, the dumbass destructive behavior bullshit, although not as self destructive as some of our friends. Both of us ended up alot better off too....We will make it. And he'll be back to the sarcastic, and cynical but hilarious remarks we are all used to. And to think he used to believe himself an asshole because he was who he was. No, it just made him J.

Time to begin

Although I am sure this post is going to sound nuts, I am going to spill what I am thinking and what I have planned over the coarse of the last two days. Since May I have allowed my emotions to be affected by someone who for all intents and purposes in a nice world should have been there for me, been behind me been supportive, loving and caring, and at one time she was. But then she got to the point where she changed her stance on everything, friendship, relationship, family, and selfishness gave way in the guise of freedom. Freedom has been the reason for her lack of responsibility, her apathy, and what she has done over the past few months. The first month I mourned the loss, the second month I tried my best to adjust to the changes, with halfhearted acceptance thinking if I just pretended nothing that had occurred bothered me, I might be able to believe the part I was acting. Unfortunately that was all it was, an act, and when I was hurt again, this time I decided enough was enough.

My Ex has always had a spending problem a very serious issue over the coarse of our marriage, when I left in April I intended to change that, and inadvertinly I did. Then I was asked to let her go, though she was not forthcoming as the the reasons, I pretty much surmised why and allowed it to happen. Though a part of me didn't want to let go. I had to get knocked down a few times with coldness, and callousness before I could. Unfortunately now I am angry and determined. J Sean knows what has happened when I get angry and determined about something, my focus goes to the issue. As the weeks have passed I have watched various things be shut off at the house, Telephone, internet service, cable, even with her working, me kicking around 600 a month to help her out, with social services helping her out. She is sinking, while for a while I was sinking with her. I would still come to her rescue when she needed help, and in return she spat on me. Now She's made me mad. But I am not like alot of people, as far as being vengeful. But when made angry I turn things around for myself. This will be no exception.

When I moved out I was barely living paycheck to paycheck and still helping her, Until it got to the point where she was having her cake and eating it too. But then she made me mad. Now a plan is underway to take care of myself and my children, using the best of Joel and no one else. Three goals are in the process of being carried out. Every week I get stronger, and still manage to stay a good Dad for the kids and keep them the hell out of what is going on with me and their mother. It is unfortunate that they have been affected. I knew they would be but at the same time, they are about to gain a breath of fresh air. School is about to happen. And I will be there for them. As for my other plans things have been set in motion, that will have me completely independent and responsible for whoever comes along in my life by October. It's already starting to work. I feel pretty good about the choices I have made and the actions I am committing to. Because they are going to make me better than I have ever been. It's really unfortunate that the woman gave up, because She lost the best thing that will probably ever happen in her life, but as Gene Simmons said once talking about the original members of the Band leaving "...Not everyone is always on the same team." Besides when it comes down to it, you reap what you sow. And Karma is a bitch.

How to kill a rat with an oboe

Okay my topic has nothing to do with rat killing, and the oboe sounds good only when being played with fifty to a hundred more instruments....

Answer to "It's time to Retire...Feel free to drop in."-Jack Nicholson, Batman

Today got up and wrote in my healing notebook, about...not healing. Weird. But yeah noticed I was getting better about healing from my current living situation, and then a few weeks ago everything went all to hell. JSean has known me forever and he and I used to be reflective of stupid shit like what I am going through, over either a coke for him, and a cup of coffee and a vanilla shake for me at either a Denny's or Village Inn, or in his Basement, or sitting in the Spade Mobile, or The Beast, or the Thing. (Car references though JSean never named his vehicle anything but she. Although I think his Mom did refer to the car as little car.) Simple times. Times I wished I had now, but I don't. Oh well. Either way what is healing or getting better. Is it simply just not thinking of causes you pain for a period of time...is it all mental? Physical Ailments usually have new tissue that forms around the old it scabs then dries then if your lucky it doesn't scar. Emotional hurts are more messed up because there is nothing to really track other than, hey did I think about something today or did I act and even then, did I not think because focus went to something else for a while.

Reality hit me today when I determined and it was like Duh- the decisions and action we make now can't be taken back you can't have that moment in history to go back and do things over, and do it again but do it differently. At least some of us learn that lesson.

While yesterday I was feeling on top of the world, today I could only see the kids for about fifteen minutes. It kind of hurt they mentioned Mike today, and though this has been going on four months and I have been patient and have tried to be nice and accept the guy, tonight I told the kids, look sorry guys Please don't talk to me about Mike anymore. I don't know if that makes me a good person or a bad person. Every one can accept him because he was pushed on us for a decision Ann made, who then had the audicity to say I wish people would quit pushing Mike and me together. Sometimes I don't understand her. But my time is now, I am living with her choice not something I chose. I tried, I really feel that I got fucked and fucked big time, especially considering she started seeing him while I was still at the house, and found out about it after I moved out the second time. Did I do it to myself? Nope not going to take responsibility for her actions. Reacting to them yes, and actually my reaction has been more civil, and more grown up than your average individual. It has hurt me, it has bugged me. I feel like a failure sometimes because I can't seem to heal from this wound, though know I can't go by my time clock only life's time clock.
I apreciate that he treats her and the kids well, I can apreciate the kids are not afraid of him. I can even apreciate that he for the time being makes Ann happy. But I can not and will not forget, that in order to have him in her life she had to do what she did, I will not just openly accept displays of affection in front of me, or any other petty thing she has done regarding Mike. Her freedom came with a price and though it didn't affect her it did affect someone else. In time I hope that she would at the very least realize that. I hope that she also realizes that.
For those trying to reach me either through aim, or messenger, the computer here won't allow it. Unless someone can find me an older version of either one, my comunication is only here or through e-mail if I am lucky to have your address. I can be reached at raidahn1@yahoo.com or at rabidfenris@hotmail.com also forgot my band or former band since hey there may be a chance of getting together again can also be found at 618@myspace.com, and actually I can be found at myspace as well.
http://www.myspace.com/7143955.

"It's time to retire, feel free to drop in..."

Okay J what movie and who said it? Any way looking over my measly sixteen posts and went damn If I knew then what I know now...etc. etc.

Ah hell. I was right though. When I walked out the second time it was easier than the first time. That being said, being replaced by a blonde version of me took some getting used to. But Hey I predicted it would happen in my "Paper Journal" once I lost the ability to Blog on the computer. And unfortunately my predictions have been for the most part very accurate. But Can't tell you who to bet on for Sports. Sorry Guys. Nothing there. Besides you got to remember the thing is I am guessing established behaviors and actions of a person I knew for nine years. And she has done just about everything I had guessed she would do, albiet more quickly than I antiscipated.

I still feel strong, though stronger everyday. Yeah there are days when I miss my old life, there are times where I do get lonely, there are times where I am seriously going okay life how many times do I get kicked in the balls today? But Then I pick myself up and dust myself off and go, One More round.

Anyway, how's everyone doing? Worked my ass off last night, so writing the blog before getting some serious serious shuteye. Later I will swing by and see my kids, while the ex is at work and check on them and see if they need anything. Then probably come back and watch Constantine since I haven't seen it yet. Been slacking on my Comicbook properties this year, still haven't seen the Bat yet, still haven't seen the Fantastical Four...what's a Joel to do? Sleep. Work. Eat. Write. Dream. Coffee and a vanilla shake. Yep J, back in that habit again. Very much Joel. Any way good night or morning or afternoon or what ever the case may be type at you later.

Yes the carwash story is true

Ya know sometimes I forget what a weirdness magnet I am. J gave me the title. Ain't that great. Lifts one eyebrow, Yeah dude I can do the one eyebrow thing now.

There are always interesting stories and anecdotes from our history when we were young and stupid and thought life was going to end for us if we didn't have everything we wanted by the age of twenty five.

But for those who did wonder was the car wash story real, yep, J can't make that shit up. Happened on a really screwed up day in February. I was working for an autoparts store, in Littleton. It had snowed and I drove a white Geo metro, and of coarse my boss is going to demand that the damn car is presteen and white, in snow...idiot. Any way I go make a couple of runs. Steve the boss wants me to get the car washed it's like three thirty four o'clock so I do a run, turn into the Amoco and proceed to go into the car wash. Since the snow storm the shit hasn't been working right but no warning signs nothing. I drive forward the big brushes close around the car but don't spin. I am trapped. Try to back up, oops there goes the side view mirror drivers side. I have currently been stuck in the carwash now for a half hour. I can't open the doors because of the brushes. I decide to climb out the hatchback and see if I can get out. I am sucessful at getting out the car but can't get out of the car wash. Now I'm stuck and all wet, because of coarse the waters going full blast. Find something to write on and walk to the door and look out there are a line of cars waiting, Hold up sign at window of door, Stuck in Carwash, get help. A woman in the front sends her kid to the door who reads the sign, then cruises back and has a lengthy discussion over politics or something before finally the brushes finally stop, in the meantime I'm now completely drenched and currently back in the vehicle, finally able to pull forward and leave the carwash. I need to let my boss know hey been stuck here now for about an hour. I walk in and this cute chick named Lisa who knew me said hey Joel how are you. Having a really bad day is my answer. She then says, you think you have problems some guys just got stuck in the carwash... Um yeah that was me...

Yes the story was true...weirdness magnet. J told you.

um yeah

9:07PM - Today not bad
Today not a bad day considering. Had my kids for yesterday and today. Go back to work tonight. Talked to Roxxy and felt really good after. Today wasn't that bad of a day. Of coarse I have my worries, who doesn't. Caught Roxy up on what has been happening in my life the past four months, about the only thing I can say is I'm facing divorce, Ann is dating some guy named Mike Wolf and has been seeing him now for a few months, well actually about a week before I moved out. Kids like em and she likes him so who the hell am I to stop em right? I've been through hell and back, and yet manage to stay the person I am. Though as I explained to Roxxy, still have my days where I'm going what the hell is all this for, and does the good guy ever win?Sometimes it doesn't seem like that. But at least I can say my conscious is clear and that things will eventually get better. It doesn't always have to be negative, right ? It was good talking to my friend though. I've missed her and it's ironic that the choices we have made have almost mirrored eachother because we tend to look at things the same way. Yeah we are goofy, and emotional. But we are still fighters. And that is what is important. The thing I know for both of us is eventually things are going to turn around for both of us, and eventually...(we don't know when and it's driving us nuts)Either way I'll be logging in alot more now that I'm actively online again. Stay tuned

Yeah still alive and kicking

This post is pretty much just to let J know I am not dead. Sometimes in the past couple of months I have wished I was but I am getting through it. Quickly, Divorce suppose to happen sometime in June, currently separated, not my choice, not my wishes, I have been living on my own now for about four months, she's currently seeing this joker named Mike, and things are chaotic. I still help when ever I can see and talk to the kids almost everyday, and have been very much me. Nice guy, do anything for you extremely loyal, even when ya dump on me. J knows all about it. By the way dude fought the good fight and lost, I tried man I really did, but right now all I can say is she had a what if question, I chose to step aside so she could find out the answer, things seemed rosey for her for about a month and a half and now the house of cards are crumbling. I am kicking back focusing on healing and spending time with the kids, interact with her maybe once a week, tried to be just Joel man, not being bitter, not being anything but me. It has hurt, in more ways than one, ya know I lost pretty much my position at work, my band and family all in one week. But I ain't dead. Dad and Amanda wanted me to come back home to colorado but not an option right now. I still have this family to look after and do what I can for even if it apreciated necessarilly. Who knows a few years from now maybe it will. Any way dude you want to give me a call .