Hindsight is 20/20
When talking to a friend at work about what it is like to be lonely, I
immediately told this person to not settle, or sell yourself short. But
after ward I began to think back to past mistakes I had made, when
relaying the message I was trying to get across. I know there are some
out there that might be alone, while others have found that certain some
one and now have something substantial. I've learned some pretty easy
truths that took this particular bone head almost two decades to get
through his thick skull.
As I look back at the relationships I had in the past and examine what worked, and what didn't I suddenly realized a couple of truths that I had been told several times by several people and it didn't really sink in until around my first marriage. I was guilty of selling myself short, and sometimes still fall into that habit. I am also able to look at those attempts I made when I was lonely and understand and figure out a few things.
During my time in school I thought a relationship was what I needed to make me happy. And to give me worth. Everything else would fall into place if I just had that. I thought If I could just gain the love of someone that would some how make me feel better about who I was. Going to school, getting good grades, learning wasn't my priority. Gaining acceptance, being loved was, it would take someone else boosting my ego, and telling me, I mattered and that would make the difference. I watched others who seemed to have good relationships handed to them, and become envious, because I was by myself alone and still searching. I also saw things on tv and in movies that made me think I wasn't normal because if I was I would be the same as every one else. As time has gone on, I realize now that was always part of the problem.
A relationship became an ideal, not something real. I wanted the romances I was seeing either on a tv screen, or a movie screen, or written in the pages of a book. Always with passion. Always sappy. I also looked at relationships being a fifty fifty thing, and equal partnership. I have of coarse learned this is far from the truth. Real relationships don't function that way. Because no one is completely the same, or see's priorities exactly the same. And they are not as easy to maintain either. A relationship is a growing thing. Some times the partners work in tandem, sometimes one does more work than the other, sometimes vice versa. And sometimes reality gets in the way for the two to acknowledge each other, or what one brings to the other. In some cases if someone isn't working or it isn't growing then it gets stagnant.And then the problems start. My philosophy has always been to make sure in some way that the other person knows how they enhance you and the relationship. It's hard to do, and sometimes it doesn't always feel worth it. But the things in life are sometimes worth putting your own needs aside. Or doing with out for the benefit of the other person. But there is a delicate balance, and at times that balance is hard, hard to maintain.
I did what some did. I chased after whatever I was trying to obtain. I worked towards the goal of finding "THE ONE". Fourteen, Fifteen years old and I'm already planning the marriage, the kids, the house, with the picket fence. And the first question I ask myself is "Why?" Why did I put so much importance on some preconceived notion on what a relationship was suppose to be? Life isn't a John Hughes movie, hell it isn't even a Tarantino flick. I guess it was mostly to just fill that nagging empty hole in me that keeps saying "you aren't good enough to keep any one around." It was never true. Though at times it did seem that way.
No, I was to learn that the relationships that did work, were completely on accident. Not intended to end up where they ended up. What were the differences? Quite a few, actually. When I let the chips fall where they may I was more relaxed, and actually more me. I wasn't putting on airs, I wasn't working to try to please every one, I wasn't trying to imitate or emulate some one else I looked up to. I was more or less just me,kind of a dork or a geek, loving what most dorks or geeks were into, that only recently have others caught up. I was quick with a witty remark, and every once in a while saying something that was profound, and all the while being nice, and not giving a damn what the stigma of being nice meant. I wanted to be the best me I could be. Actually being me. Not brooding, not frowning, not trying to give the impression that I was something that I wasn't or something more than I actually was. Not being some skewed Interpretation of a Joel Cool. I also said what I thought, I didn't beat around the bush, or try to tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. Usually I was very blunt, so blunt that a few times I wondered if I over stepped any boundaries. Which was a complete contrast to when I was Chasing. In my eagerness to please I over compensated, was always nervous about saying or doing the wrong thing, was always taking myself way more seriously than I actually needed to. There was always a hint of desperation, and fear and it always came across. I took things personally as well. I was hyper sensitive, I tried so much to be perfection in the eyes of someone else. While doing so I lowered my own worth. Another mistake. One that after a while I quit making.
When a relationship worked I was the real me. But what is the Real me? The real me is someone who took his friendships with his friends and turned those members into family, to try to make up for the estrangements and what my family actually lacked. The real me never wanted to see any one hurt, he doesn't want to see any one taken advantage of. The real me wants No one to be unhappy. No one to doubt what I saw in them, that made them special to me. The real me, came to terms that he was awkward, at times uncoordinated, perpetually skinny. The real me, liked to write, draw, and play music. The real me likes to entertain others, likes to make people laugh, likes to be able to listen to others, and help others. The real me still wanted to be liked, or loved, and truly wanted to leave this planet with the acceptance that he had made a difference to others.The real me loves, and is giving. The real me is a geek who loves Comic books and comic book characters, who share ideals that I am inspired by. The real me could be hurt, and at times could be vulnerable, because he understands those weaknesses he does have. The real me is also stronger than his father, and thankfully didn't turn out to be like him. And the real me isn't done with what he feels he is meant to do on this earth. But again the real me also likes to be reassured from time to time that he is not expendable asset to throw away once my usefulness is over, that he is not just a means to an end. It's something that will always be in me. I don't think that I will ever fully be rid of that need.
I will never be able to change the fact the sperm donor left me behind at age five, and then rebuked me almost twenty years later, but I was able to change some facts about myself. To not give up and give in because the situation might be difficult to handle. To take on the responsibility that my father wouldn't. To not abandon any one when things get difficult, to show my children, their existence matters, and that they would always be loved. I've taken great pains to fill that hole that was once in my heart. And for the most part I have succeeded. Despite the damage the Sperm donor did.
As I look back at the relationships I had in the past and examine what worked, and what didn't I suddenly realized a couple of truths that I had been told several times by several people and it didn't really sink in until around my first marriage. I was guilty of selling myself short, and sometimes still fall into that habit. I am also able to look at those attempts I made when I was lonely and understand and figure out a few things.
During my time in school I thought a relationship was what I needed to make me happy. And to give me worth. Everything else would fall into place if I just had that. I thought If I could just gain the love of someone that would some how make me feel better about who I was. Going to school, getting good grades, learning wasn't my priority. Gaining acceptance, being loved was, it would take someone else boosting my ego, and telling me, I mattered and that would make the difference. I watched others who seemed to have good relationships handed to them, and become envious, because I was by myself alone and still searching. I also saw things on tv and in movies that made me think I wasn't normal because if I was I would be the same as every one else. As time has gone on, I realize now that was always part of the problem.
A relationship became an ideal, not something real. I wanted the romances I was seeing either on a tv screen, or a movie screen, or written in the pages of a book. Always with passion. Always sappy. I also looked at relationships being a fifty fifty thing, and equal partnership. I have of coarse learned this is far from the truth. Real relationships don't function that way. Because no one is completely the same, or see's priorities exactly the same. And they are not as easy to maintain either. A relationship is a growing thing. Some times the partners work in tandem, sometimes one does more work than the other, sometimes vice versa. And sometimes reality gets in the way for the two to acknowledge each other, or what one brings to the other. In some cases if someone isn't working or it isn't growing then it gets stagnant.And then the problems start. My philosophy has always been to make sure in some way that the other person knows how they enhance you and the relationship. It's hard to do, and sometimes it doesn't always feel worth it. But the things in life are sometimes worth putting your own needs aside. Or doing with out for the benefit of the other person. But there is a delicate balance, and at times that balance is hard, hard to maintain.
I did what some did. I chased after whatever I was trying to obtain. I worked towards the goal of finding "THE ONE". Fourteen, Fifteen years old and I'm already planning the marriage, the kids, the house, with the picket fence. And the first question I ask myself is "Why?" Why did I put so much importance on some preconceived notion on what a relationship was suppose to be? Life isn't a John Hughes movie, hell it isn't even a Tarantino flick. I guess it was mostly to just fill that nagging empty hole in me that keeps saying "you aren't good enough to keep any one around." It was never true. Though at times it did seem that way.
No, I was to learn that the relationships that did work, were completely on accident. Not intended to end up where they ended up. What were the differences? Quite a few, actually. When I let the chips fall where they may I was more relaxed, and actually more me. I wasn't putting on airs, I wasn't working to try to please every one, I wasn't trying to imitate or emulate some one else I looked up to. I was more or less just me,kind of a dork or a geek, loving what most dorks or geeks were into, that only recently have others caught up. I was quick with a witty remark, and every once in a while saying something that was profound, and all the while being nice, and not giving a damn what the stigma of being nice meant. I wanted to be the best me I could be. Actually being me. Not brooding, not frowning, not trying to give the impression that I was something that I wasn't or something more than I actually was. Not being some skewed Interpretation of a Joel Cool. I also said what I thought, I didn't beat around the bush, or try to tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. Usually I was very blunt, so blunt that a few times I wondered if I over stepped any boundaries. Which was a complete contrast to when I was Chasing. In my eagerness to please I over compensated, was always nervous about saying or doing the wrong thing, was always taking myself way more seriously than I actually needed to. There was always a hint of desperation, and fear and it always came across. I took things personally as well. I was hyper sensitive, I tried so much to be perfection in the eyes of someone else. While doing so I lowered my own worth. Another mistake. One that after a while I quit making.
When a relationship worked I was the real me. But what is the Real me? The real me is someone who took his friendships with his friends and turned those members into family, to try to make up for the estrangements and what my family actually lacked. The real me never wanted to see any one hurt, he doesn't want to see any one taken advantage of. The real me wants No one to be unhappy. No one to doubt what I saw in them, that made them special to me. The real me, came to terms that he was awkward, at times uncoordinated, perpetually skinny. The real me, liked to write, draw, and play music. The real me likes to entertain others, likes to make people laugh, likes to be able to listen to others, and help others. The real me still wanted to be liked, or loved, and truly wanted to leave this planet with the acceptance that he had made a difference to others.The real me loves, and is giving. The real me is a geek who loves Comic books and comic book characters, who share ideals that I am inspired by. The real me could be hurt, and at times could be vulnerable, because he understands those weaknesses he does have. The real me is also stronger than his father, and thankfully didn't turn out to be like him. And the real me isn't done with what he feels he is meant to do on this earth. But again the real me also likes to be reassured from time to time that he is not expendable asset to throw away once my usefulness is over, that he is not just a means to an end. It's something that will always be in me. I don't think that I will ever fully be rid of that need.
I will never be able to change the fact the sperm donor left me behind at age five, and then rebuked me almost twenty years later, but I was able to change some facts about myself. To not give up and give in because the situation might be difficult to handle. To take on the responsibility that my father wouldn't. To not abandon any one when things get difficult, to show my children, their existence matters, and that they would always be loved. I've taken great pains to fill that hole that was once in my heart. And for the most part I have succeeded. Despite the damage the Sperm donor did.
posted by Joel at 7:39 AM
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