The first few days...

The first few days were...wierd. Not exactly a homecoming, but not as bad as I thought things were going to be either. It's that feeling out process thing I guess, both of us (Yeah I thought this was kind of weird too) are being very conciencious of the other person, as far as boundaries, and feelings.

Example- Sunday Morning, I couldn't sleep, at four thirty in the morning I said hey screw this I haven't sat in a booth at Denny's in a while and wrote and drank coffee, I'm going to go do that. I knew that she would be out of the house at 6:45 a.m. on the way to work, I also knew the three kids would still be in bed asleep. So I made sure I returned to the house about sevenish. She would later call to ask how I was, and then made mention of where I was...then apologized, then still later would bring it up again. For no one that isn't suppose to care she did. It's been little things like that.

It's going to be a slow slow process. Today I went down and opened up my own checking account, it is my plan to eventually start having my checks deposited to this account so I can keep track of the bills. I haven't told her yet. Still trying to figure out what the hell we are doing. This was something I had told her I was thinking about doing and she thought no too many bills are being automatically deducted, it would be too hard to maintain, I'll just open up a second account. I beat her to the punch because she is a notorious procrastinator. I did the bank this way, because we both make decent money, but she has a spending problem, and actually doesn't keep account of how much she truly spends during the week, because of doing this we have had alot of overdrafts that have had to be paid. Although my name is on the account, we have no checks, and she just uses the atm. Any time I've needed money I've had to go to her. Well if this has been going on for a while, and we live paycheck to paycheck, and I don't have access to the account, other than my paycheck is direct deposit it comes down to who is the one taking the money out of the account, before a bill can be paid? Three guesses and the first two don't count. I have discussed this financial problem with her for a while, it's always been her that was in charge of the finances.

Back home for now

Well after almost a month I came back home. As a million people go in unison, "why you stupid dumbfuck?" The answer is this. My kids wanted me to come home, I had to consider that, two, and the biggest reason is the people I was staying with are moving to Maryland,and they right now need to focus on getting that straight, without worrying about me and if I am okay. Three it makes no sense to still pay rent week after week and not actually live there, especially with finances being what they are at the moment...
However, things with me are not the same. When things became more than I would care to take this time I chose to leave. Not for her but for myself. Because I knew then the problem isn't me, and hasn't been me. Not saying that I hold no responsibility as for why things went south, it takes two, to make a relationship, it generally takes two to make it unhappy. When I left last year, I blamed myself for everything I did, thinking if I changed, sacrificed and turned myself around, I would show her I grew up, things would be better and we could go on. The problem was, I did all the work and she had already given up.
This year is different. Because I know I can't change that opinion and have no power over it, what I have power over and ultimately what I have always had power over is how I let her affect me. Same with everybody else. It used to be tough to say you know I gave you my heart and I still love you, please please take me back. Fuck that. It's not my problem. I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't the one who gave up, I wasn't the one who doesn't know what they want. I was just the one that allowed her and her petty bullshit to affect me and for me to start thinking I was lower than dirt. I'm not and never have been. I am a good guy, and at times too fucking nice, the white knight with the heart on the ole sleeve. No More. I can walk in and say you know you might try to do the same things you did last year, and probably will, it won't work this time. Because I can still walk, and walk knowing it will be easier to do it again.
I have nothing to lose this time, no marriage to try to save, no relationship to save, the woman I married and fell in love with is gone, and probably will stay gone. It's a shame. But there is someone out there for me. She had her chance and she fucked it up. It wasn't me. One has a breaking point. My focus fully is on me and my kids. Especially the two who need me the most right now. Marc and Branden. Kay loves me, too, but she is also blossoming into a teenager, who is trying to find her own identity. Kay just needs to know I'm there if she needs to talk.
I used to subscribe to Ninpo "Although the enemy holds his blade menacingly above my heart, I will endure and eventually prevail." I used to confuse the meaning of it. When I looked at the symbol last year I thought the enemy was who threatened the marriage, and I was willing to endure what ever it took for the outcome to be a happy one. The enemy was me. I stopped being who I was and started letting my fear of failure over what became of my marriage get to me. The enemy was fear, that I couldn't go on and be happy, that there wouldn't come a day where happiness would finally enter my life, because of all the horrible things I had done to so-and-so. Even as I write this I feel a particular calm. I feel strength, and centered, knowing I am powerless to change the things I cannot. It was never up to me, and knowing this I can relax.
When it comes to who Joel is and what makes Joel tick. Joel is a great person with a tremendous capacity for not only love, but loyalty, and honesty. Joel can support, can advise, can be fun to be around, is very much a good person, and not a perfect person but an imperfect person, who is still growing. He understands his limitations, but he also understands his strengths. He also understands that there are fewer and fewer people out there that think and act like Joel, concepts like chivalry, and decency, morals, and obligations, have given way to apathy and fear, because of pain caused by circumstances, people, and changing times. The nice guy remains, a noble concept, and one that is very much a part of the being that is Joel, however, not at the cost of Joel. And Joel didn't understand that until he moved out this time. I found peace, at practice the very next day and played the hell out of my guitar, because I didn't give a fuck whether Me leaving meant anything, I accepted that it probably didn't and wouldn't mean anything to anyone except for the children. And during my time away I was there for them for what ever they needed. Not what she needed but what they needed.
I don't need Ann to complete my life, I don't need marriage to define who the hell I am. I am Joel, I was Joel, before Ann, and after her. I wasn't completely destroyed, I still remain. And it's her loss and someone else gain.

Day Seven

Waited a couple of days before getting back to this. Today is is day seven or day eight. It's been full of ups and downs, the rough part has been the weekend. Sunday wasn't that bad but Saturday hurt, Sunday night hurt, but Sunday night inspired us to go and cut a new tune. The tune is called today...it is basically about me and Ann, and J currently has a copy of it. I really like the tune, and am Proud of it.

Yesterday, I decided to make a promise to stop kicking myself for what is going on currently and to actually try to go on and just do what is right for me to do. Sometimes that isn't easy to do, especially when you have two small children, who just want their Dad back, I want my son and daughter, but I want a family not me spend time with the kids, Ann spends time with the kids and shit is seperate. That is frustratating, however, another thing that differs is I know how Ann is playing shit this time, so there is no need to get pissed off if she doesn't want this now or if ever, and expecting it just because I did such and such isn't going to do me any good. Ann needs to figure out where her head and her heart is. Nothing I say or do is going to change that. She don't feel nothing, nothing I can do but go out and look for someone who does feel, and is capable of giving back. As stupid as it sound I wrote it out and signed it and have been carrying it around with me. Maybe to remind myself not to slack off, but to just maintain and enjoy who I am and what I am and not continue to believe that just Because Ann Berkey said this or that doesn't make it necessarilly true.

Work is pissing me off because once again I had to grab vacation to make sure I grabbed at least thirty hours. And talking to Ann on the phone today she is starting to sweat the finances. So She knows at least at this particular time there is no way she can do what she wants to do whether that is filing or whatever.

Spirits are okay not great, tired. But not distraught. Hurting but not having that hurt dibilatate me like last year. This is not the same naive guy as last year that was doing all these changes expecting okay now that I made them your going to change your mind. I finally came to terms that I shouldn't have to wait for Ann's approval don't mean shit. It's how I feel about me, I am the one that lives with me everyday.

That's not to say if the circumstances between me and her were to change, I wouldn't want to jump at the oppurtunity, although I am smart enough to figure out jumping wouldn't do me any good.

day 2

Day 2 wasn't as bad as day one. Of coarse though I had a little trouble to keep from thinking about things I was missing at home. Especially seeing the kids. Ann did call and leave me a voice mail, but that was about jury duty, I opted to not return the phone call. She provided enough imformation that I just gotta stop at the house and pick up the mail. The other day she offered the use of the Van which I am still considering.

In trying to keep up and stay busy I concentrated on band stuff yesterday. It was kinda strange to play yesterday and not have the worries of the house and the things. Though in the back of my mind I am still feeling guilty that I am not around for the kids and in esscence having to leave means Ann's having to handle everything. Well part of that anxiety is for a while She did before, until I straightened my act and began to take care of stuff, but at that time I was doing all the work and she was not doing anything. I had hoped that by doing this finally walking out, and saying what has been happening is not acceptable, is not fair, is not how a marriage is suppose to work, but I also understand the risks involved in taking off and saying look I have been around, my physical presense made a difference.

However it's only been two or three days, I don't think it makes much impact. Although everyone including her were going whoah you actually took a stand and left. And not only did you leave you told her why.

I've given some thought to how long I will be gone, but at the same time I got to be prepared that I might have anger eventually coming from her, especially if pressure begins to build concerning stuff. Again I feel bad, because in dealing with the kids she has to essentially get Becky and Glenn to watch the kids. I would hope they understand, but at the same time they are probably only going to see my last couple of actions. And not take in the full picture of the events of the last year. It's that that actually drives me.

day 1

They say the first day is the hardest. It generally is. I slept all night over at Tisha's and K.B.'s house. Getting up this morning I tried to leave a IM on Aim for my daughter, telling her to have a good day. Tisha and K.B. got up and K.B. went to Maryland for a job interview. Tisha and I had breakfast, took the trash down, we went to the a Mall where I got a hair cut.After getting back from the Mall we both crashed, and then got ready to come to work since we both work at the same place too. Work told us we would be off tomorrow, which was no good, so I had to eat up another frigging Vacation day. I got a voice mail after I had called the house. I finally got around to calling back and found out from both the kids and Ann they had taken care of the title for the car. The kids acted like nothing was going on so that is cool. Ann asked me if I was sure I didn't want the Van. I told her no. I said I had no idea when I was going to see them, I was just playing it by ear, by truthfully speaking, I think I will forego calling the rest of this weekend and see if maybe they call me. If they don't then I will not worry about it. Maybe I am focusing on the wrong things. One of the reasons for leaving in the first place was to say, hey I need to not feel expendable, I need to feel like I matter, I need to know I wasn't there for the sole purpose of just being there. Which is why I left, because other than babysitting the kids and trying to handle the house, that was all it seemed to be. I don't think I matter right. But that is probably fear playing on me going did I make the right decision do I really matter. In the long run I know the only person it should matter to is ultimately me.I told the kids I missed them, I told Ann I missed her too. I think that right now though I have to actually change some behaviors and just not worry about whether they miss me or not. Or if I am even thought of. Although I can say hey Ann offering the Van she was thinking of me. It was a nice gesture, and maybe her calling me and leaving a voice message meant she was also thinking of me. But because I am on the defensive, I'm also honestly looking at it as you called me back out of courtesy. I don't know. Either way I just wait and see and try to live my life for me right?

hurt

I left the house tonight. Right now I hurt so bad I can't see straight, and I only want shit stop for just a little while.Just so I can clear my head and think. It started out one of those days where I actually didn't think anything would happen. I went with Ann to the auto auction to get a second car, and was still trying to figure out what I should do this situation of leaving if for a little while has been hounding me.I took Ann to work this morning, but she had been grumpy and demanding, in actuality I think it's PMS time any way. She knew I had band practice, she knows usually what time band practice is and when it ends, we had the phones, I go to practice, and I am not playing right,just because of bullshit at home, about the time we start packing shit up it's around six oclock in the evening.Earlier in the day I had written Ann a heartfelt letter, which probably won't be read, realistically, however she has been thinking and making discoveries lately so who knows. During which I called her to tell her how to get to the school, and gave her the number of Kay's track coach. As well as the number of the school that she was having the track meet at. At no time during this conversation did she say "Hey at four could you pick up the kids." Had she done so I would've been there. At six she calls, to find out if the kids are at home. I said I believe so but I am still at band practice I don't know. Though I know if the kids could not get in, they would go across the street to their friend Victor's house, so I was concerned but not too worried. Ann jumped my shit. Which got me really pissed off. Especially pissed off because I had told her A) where I would be, she had known for almost a frigging week and had asked me about it, hell Had even told her last night and before I took her to work yesterday morning. She could have said "By the way I won't be home in time to grab the kids could you end practice early." Instead she only asked if I could find some radio for her stupid car she bought yesterday. She could have called me and said during practice "I can't get there can you." Nope I was expected to assume she wasn't going to be there and to grab the kids at four, even though I am ussualy not even home by four when I go to practice. So We hastilly pack up Tisha's truck and then I have to get them to drop me off at the house before going to the unit to put all the equipment back. Ann said things enough to make me so angry I yelled did you call? who's always with them? did you call? To make matters worse I had Ann's Dad who was surprisingly nuetral during the whole thing that just said, "Three words of advice for you both. Take it in the house, keep it away from the kids, and understand your angry with each other." I felt bad for losing my temper, but damn it the way she was on the phone and the way she was in the yard I had had it. I could do nothing but think of how I had spent the entire last year watching the kids, cleaning the house, taking care of things that needed to be taken care of with out her while she looked for another relationship, all the things that had been weighing on me and had bottled up came out with a simple phrase I asked over and over "who's been there with the kids." It wasn't until I asked it like the fourth time I could see her get physically upset.I stormed in the house then turned around and went back out to the truck. We went to the storage unit, and while the rest of the band unpacked K.B. and I talked and I cried. We talked about what I had been through last year, we talked about what even the band was now begining to see, we talked about about everything I had been going through and feeling and how much more was I going to take...I returned home and started packing. I didn't want to leave I didn't want to leave the kids, I didn't want to leave her, surprisingly while I was packing she was concerned. The cynic in me says "yeah she is probably worried about where her meal ticket is going and what she was going to do now." But the nice guy in me was hoping at the very least, in the next few days or weeks, and it will probably be weeks, that she will sit down and think about what happened last night and why I did what I had to do. This isn't like last year, last year I was basically manipulated to me, and she told me point blank this isn't like it was last year, this was a time out. She explained that very nicely to the kids, but I guess only I know when or if I will be home, this time...this time it was my decision, which puts me in both a positive and negative light.The negative light side is -Well Joel you're the one that wanted out so bad...your responsible if things don't work out this time.I guess that does weigh on me, but at the same time, I walked out feeling I had nothing walking out this time so if things don't work out at least I will know. I can't love for two people, I can't live my life for two people. I can't raise the kids by myself.At the same time I had her going this is just a time out, I know you are doing this for you, which is unsettling, A) to have her even notice that for the first time ever I am doing something for me, and to actually say hey this is a time out.

Wonders what the hell to do

I'm putting it all out there. Me and the wife had a lengthy discussion the other night, she said that she used me, though she loves me, I am at best friend status, and not remotely romantic status, that we got married for the absolute wrong reason (something we both agree on) that she has carried a bit of resentment in her for the birth of my daughter, that she has been asked out quite recently by other men and she has said no because she doesn't want to hurt the children.
She tried to say she doesn't want the marriage to end, because she doesn't want to lose me. At the same time, every day I have she is gone and I am at home alone with the kids while she goes out and pursues trying to get herself back...

This talk has kept me from sleeping properly the last couple of nights, and of coarse I was off of work and Ann was out both nights. So this morning I said I think it is time for me to leave. She responded with don't make a rash decision and do something you can't take back. However, other than being a baby sitter for my kids, why am I there. We barely have interaction, when we do talk it's generally me saying why are you doing this, or something like that. Her other reaction was she doesn't want me to go and she wants me to stay and for more than just needing me...what the hell...

I have been through enough..
I am and always have been a good guy
I am a good dad to those kids
I have been a faithful loving husband
I have stuck it out longer than any other man would've
But I feel enough is enough..
I can try to pretend that me leaving she will then realize what she has done...but there are no garantees on that, although I do know no other man would tolerate half of what I have been put through. I am angry. I deserve better and always have...