day 1

They say the first day is the hardest. It generally is. I slept all night over at Tisha's and K.B.'s house. Getting up this morning I tried to leave a IM on Aim for my daughter, telling her to have a good day. Tisha and K.B. got up and K.B. went to Maryland for a job interview. Tisha and I had breakfast, took the trash down, we went to the a Mall where I got a hair cut.After getting back from the Mall we both crashed, and then got ready to come to work since we both work at the same place too. Work told us we would be off tomorrow, which was no good, so I had to eat up another frigging Vacation day. I got a voice mail after I had called the house. I finally got around to calling back and found out from both the kids and Ann they had taken care of the title for the car. The kids acted like nothing was going on so that is cool. Ann asked me if I was sure I didn't want the Van. I told her no. I said I had no idea when I was going to see them, I was just playing it by ear, by truthfully speaking, I think I will forego calling the rest of this weekend and see if maybe they call me. If they don't then I will not worry about it. Maybe I am focusing on the wrong things. One of the reasons for leaving in the first place was to say, hey I need to not feel expendable, I need to feel like I matter, I need to know I wasn't there for the sole purpose of just being there. Which is why I left, because other than babysitting the kids and trying to handle the house, that was all it seemed to be. I don't think I matter right. But that is probably fear playing on me going did I make the right decision do I really matter. In the long run I know the only person it should matter to is ultimately me.I told the kids I missed them, I told Ann I missed her too. I think that right now though I have to actually change some behaviors and just not worry about whether they miss me or not. Or if I am even thought of. Although I can say hey Ann offering the Van she was thinking of me. It was a nice gesture, and maybe her calling me and leaving a voice message meant she was also thinking of me. But because I am on the defensive, I'm also honestly looking at it as you called me back out of courtesy. I don't know. Either way I just wait and see and try to live my life for me right?