hurt

I left the house tonight. Right now I hurt so bad I can't see straight, and I only want shit stop for just a little while.Just so I can clear my head and think. It started out one of those days where I actually didn't think anything would happen. I went with Ann to the auto auction to get a second car, and was still trying to figure out what I should do this situation of leaving if for a little while has been hounding me.I took Ann to work this morning, but she had been grumpy and demanding, in actuality I think it's PMS time any way. She knew I had band practice, she knows usually what time band practice is and when it ends, we had the phones, I go to practice, and I am not playing right,just because of bullshit at home, about the time we start packing shit up it's around six oclock in the evening.Earlier in the day I had written Ann a heartfelt letter, which probably won't be read, realistically, however she has been thinking and making discoveries lately so who knows. During which I called her to tell her how to get to the school, and gave her the number of Kay's track coach. As well as the number of the school that she was having the track meet at. At no time during this conversation did she say "Hey at four could you pick up the kids." Had she done so I would've been there. At six she calls, to find out if the kids are at home. I said I believe so but I am still at band practice I don't know. Though I know if the kids could not get in, they would go across the street to their friend Victor's house, so I was concerned but not too worried. Ann jumped my shit. Which got me really pissed off. Especially pissed off because I had told her A) where I would be, she had known for almost a frigging week and had asked me about it, hell Had even told her last night and before I took her to work yesterday morning. She could have said "By the way I won't be home in time to grab the kids could you end practice early." Instead she only asked if I could find some radio for her stupid car she bought yesterday. She could have called me and said during practice "I can't get there can you." Nope I was expected to assume she wasn't going to be there and to grab the kids at four, even though I am ussualy not even home by four when I go to practice. So We hastilly pack up Tisha's truck and then I have to get them to drop me off at the house before going to the unit to put all the equipment back. Ann said things enough to make me so angry I yelled did you call? who's always with them? did you call? To make matters worse I had Ann's Dad who was surprisingly nuetral during the whole thing that just said, "Three words of advice for you both. Take it in the house, keep it away from the kids, and understand your angry with each other." I felt bad for losing my temper, but damn it the way she was on the phone and the way she was in the yard I had had it. I could do nothing but think of how I had spent the entire last year watching the kids, cleaning the house, taking care of things that needed to be taken care of with out her while she looked for another relationship, all the things that had been weighing on me and had bottled up came out with a simple phrase I asked over and over "who's been there with the kids." It wasn't until I asked it like the fourth time I could see her get physically upset.I stormed in the house then turned around and went back out to the truck. We went to the storage unit, and while the rest of the band unpacked K.B. and I talked and I cried. We talked about what I had been through last year, we talked about what even the band was now begining to see, we talked about about everything I had been going through and feeling and how much more was I going to take...I returned home and started packing. I didn't want to leave I didn't want to leave the kids, I didn't want to leave her, surprisingly while I was packing she was concerned. The cynic in me says "yeah she is probably worried about where her meal ticket is going and what she was going to do now." But the nice guy in me was hoping at the very least, in the next few days or weeks, and it will probably be weeks, that she will sit down and think about what happened last night and why I did what I had to do. This isn't like last year, last year I was basically manipulated to me, and she told me point blank this isn't like it was last year, this was a time out. She explained that very nicely to the kids, but I guess only I know when or if I will be home, this time...this time it was my decision, which puts me in both a positive and negative light.The negative light side is -Well Joel you're the one that wanted out so bad...your responsible if things don't work out this time.I guess that does weigh on me, but at the same time, I walked out feeling I had nothing walking out this time so if things don't work out at least I will know. I can't love for two people, I can't live my life for two people. I can't raise the kids by myself.At the same time I had her going this is just a time out, I know you are doing this for you, which is unsettling, A) to have her even notice that for the first time ever I am doing something for me, and to actually say hey this is a time out.