Back home for now
Well after almost a month I came back home. As a million people go in unison, "why you stupid dumbfuck?" The answer is this. My kids wanted me to come home, I had to consider that, two, and the biggest reason is the people I was staying with are moving to Maryland,and they right now need to focus on getting that straight, without worrying about me and if I am okay. Three it makes no sense to still pay rent week after week and not actually live there, especially with finances being what they are at the moment...
However, things with me are not the same. When things became more than I would care to take this time I chose to leave. Not for her but for myself. Because I knew then the problem isn't me, and hasn't been me. Not saying that I hold no responsibility as for why things went south, it takes two, to make a relationship, it generally takes two to make it unhappy. When I left last year, I blamed myself for everything I did, thinking if I changed, sacrificed and turned myself around, I would show her I grew up, things would be better and we could go on. The problem was, I did all the work and she had already given up.
This year is different. Because I know I can't change that opinion and have no power over it, what I have power over and ultimately what I have always had power over is how I let her affect me. Same with everybody else. It used to be tough to say you know I gave you my heart and I still love you, please please take me back. Fuck that. It's not my problem. I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't the one who gave up, I wasn't the one who doesn't know what they want. I was just the one that allowed her and her petty bullshit to affect me and for me to start thinking I was lower than dirt. I'm not and never have been. I am a good guy, and at times too fucking nice, the white knight with the heart on the ole sleeve. No More. I can walk in and say you know you might try to do the same things you did last year, and probably will, it won't work this time. Because I can still walk, and walk knowing it will be easier to do it again.
I have nothing to lose this time, no marriage to try to save, no relationship to save, the woman I married and fell in love with is gone, and probably will stay gone. It's a shame. But there is someone out there for me. She had her chance and she fucked it up. It wasn't me. One has a breaking point. My focus fully is on me and my kids. Especially the two who need me the most right now. Marc and Branden. Kay loves me, too, but she is also blossoming into a teenager, who is trying to find her own identity. Kay just needs to know I'm there if she needs to talk.
I used to subscribe to Ninpo "Although the enemy holds his blade menacingly above my heart, I will endure and eventually prevail." I used to confuse the meaning of it. When I looked at the symbol last year I thought the enemy was who threatened the marriage, and I was willing to endure what ever it took for the outcome to be a happy one. The enemy was me. I stopped being who I was and started letting my fear of failure over what became of my marriage get to me. The enemy was fear, that I couldn't go on and be happy, that there wouldn't come a day where happiness would finally enter my life, because of all the horrible things I had done to so-and-so. Even as I write this I feel a particular calm. I feel strength, and centered, knowing I am powerless to change the things I cannot. It was never up to me, and knowing this I can relax.
When it comes to who Joel is and what makes Joel tick. Joel is a great person with a tremendous capacity for not only love, but loyalty, and honesty. Joel can support, can advise, can be fun to be around, is very much a good person, and not a perfect person but an imperfect person, who is still growing. He understands his limitations, but he also understands his strengths. He also understands that there are fewer and fewer people out there that think and act like Joel, concepts like chivalry, and decency, morals, and obligations, have given way to apathy and fear, because of pain caused by circumstances, people, and changing times. The nice guy remains, a noble concept, and one that is very much a part of the being that is Joel, however, not at the cost of Joel. And Joel didn't understand that until he moved out this time. I found peace, at practice the very next day and played the hell out of my guitar, because I didn't give a fuck whether Me leaving meant anything, I accepted that it probably didn't and wouldn't mean anything to anyone except for the children. And during my time away I was there for them for what ever they needed. Not what she needed but what they needed.
I don't need Ann to complete my life, I don't need marriage to define who the hell I am. I am Joel, I was Joel, before Ann, and after her. I wasn't completely destroyed, I still remain. And it's her loss and someone else gain.
However, things with me are not the same. When things became more than I would care to take this time I chose to leave. Not for her but for myself. Because I knew then the problem isn't me, and hasn't been me. Not saying that I hold no responsibility as for why things went south, it takes two, to make a relationship, it generally takes two to make it unhappy. When I left last year, I blamed myself for everything I did, thinking if I changed, sacrificed and turned myself around, I would show her I grew up, things would be better and we could go on. The problem was, I did all the work and she had already given up.
This year is different. Because I know I can't change that opinion and have no power over it, what I have power over and ultimately what I have always had power over is how I let her affect me. Same with everybody else. It used to be tough to say you know I gave you my heart and I still love you, please please take me back. Fuck that. It's not my problem. I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't the one who gave up, I wasn't the one who doesn't know what they want. I was just the one that allowed her and her petty bullshit to affect me and for me to start thinking I was lower than dirt. I'm not and never have been. I am a good guy, and at times too fucking nice, the white knight with the heart on the ole sleeve. No More. I can walk in and say you know you might try to do the same things you did last year, and probably will, it won't work this time. Because I can still walk, and walk knowing it will be easier to do it again.
I have nothing to lose this time, no marriage to try to save, no relationship to save, the woman I married and fell in love with is gone, and probably will stay gone. It's a shame. But there is someone out there for me. She had her chance and she fucked it up. It wasn't me. One has a breaking point. My focus fully is on me and my kids. Especially the two who need me the most right now. Marc and Branden. Kay loves me, too, but she is also blossoming into a teenager, who is trying to find her own identity. Kay just needs to know I'm there if she needs to talk.
I used to subscribe to Ninpo "Although the enemy holds his blade menacingly above my heart, I will endure and eventually prevail." I used to confuse the meaning of it. When I looked at the symbol last year I thought the enemy was who threatened the marriage, and I was willing to endure what ever it took for the outcome to be a happy one. The enemy was me. I stopped being who I was and started letting my fear of failure over what became of my marriage get to me. The enemy was fear, that I couldn't go on and be happy, that there wouldn't come a day where happiness would finally enter my life, because of all the horrible things I had done to so-and-so. Even as I write this I feel a particular calm. I feel strength, and centered, knowing I am powerless to change the things I cannot. It was never up to me, and knowing this I can relax.
When it comes to who Joel is and what makes Joel tick. Joel is a great person with a tremendous capacity for not only love, but loyalty, and honesty. Joel can support, can advise, can be fun to be around, is very much a good person, and not a perfect person but an imperfect person, who is still growing. He understands his limitations, but he also understands his strengths. He also understands that there are fewer and fewer people out there that think and act like Joel, concepts like chivalry, and decency, morals, and obligations, have given way to apathy and fear, because of pain caused by circumstances, people, and changing times. The nice guy remains, a noble concept, and one that is very much a part of the being that is Joel, however, not at the cost of Joel. And Joel didn't understand that until he moved out this time. I found peace, at practice the very next day and played the hell out of my guitar, because I didn't give a fuck whether Me leaving meant anything, I accepted that it probably didn't and wouldn't mean anything to anyone except for the children. And during my time away I was there for them for what ever they needed. Not what she needed but what they needed.
I don't need Ann to complete my life, I don't need marriage to define who the hell I am. I am Joel, I was Joel, before Ann, and after her. I wasn't completely destroyed, I still remain. And it's her loss and someone else gain.
posted by Joel at 8:10 PM
2 Comments:
I almost wish that I could relate, if only to commiserate.
When I was in my early 20's, I had saved a small fortune to buy an engagement ring for my girlfriend, the love of my life (so I then thought). She dumped me a few months after I moved in with some friends, so that she could live in po-dunk land with some asshole.
Some asshole that knocked her up and then left her.
In the meantime I've found a woman that I love, and we are raising a little boy.
But sometimes, late at night, I wonder about the old girlfriend and what she's doing.
I guess it's too late to hope that you can reconcile. One can only do so much, and it's sometimes an unfortunnate fact that one can not be all things to all interested parties.
True Kom,
Still some people have proven to me that they do get it, but sometimes it takes them a while. A long while for some. Not to say I'm going to hold my breath until I turn blue, but have seen some positives since I have been back, so will hope for the best while at the same time being true to myself.
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