Day Seven
Waited a couple of days before getting back to this. Today is is day seven or day eight. It's been full of ups and downs, the rough part has been the weekend. Sunday wasn't that bad but Saturday hurt, Sunday night hurt, but Sunday night inspired us to go and cut a new tune. The tune is called today...it is basically about me and Ann, and J currently has a copy of it. I really like the tune, and am Proud of it.
Yesterday, I decided to make a promise to stop kicking myself for what is going on currently and to actually try to go on and just do what is right for me to do. Sometimes that isn't easy to do, especially when you have two small children, who just want their Dad back, I want my son and daughter, but I want a family not me spend time with the kids, Ann spends time with the kids and shit is seperate. That is frustratating, however, another thing that differs is I know how Ann is playing shit this time, so there is no need to get pissed off if she doesn't want this now or if ever, and expecting it just because I did such and such isn't going to do me any good. Ann needs to figure out where her head and her heart is. Nothing I say or do is going to change that. She don't feel nothing, nothing I can do but go out and look for someone who does feel, and is capable of giving back. As stupid as it sound I wrote it out and signed it and have been carrying it around with me. Maybe to remind myself not to slack off, but to just maintain and enjoy who I am and what I am and not continue to believe that just Because Ann Berkey said this or that doesn't make it necessarilly true.
Work is pissing me off because once again I had to grab vacation to make sure I grabbed at least thirty hours. And talking to Ann on the phone today she is starting to sweat the finances. So She knows at least at this particular time there is no way she can do what she wants to do whether that is filing or whatever.
Spirits are okay not great, tired. But not distraught. Hurting but not having that hurt dibilatate me like last year. This is not the same naive guy as last year that was doing all these changes expecting okay now that I made them your going to change your mind. I finally came to terms that I shouldn't have to wait for Ann's approval don't mean shit. It's how I feel about me, I am the one that lives with me everyday.
That's not to say if the circumstances between me and her were to change, I wouldn't want to jump at the oppurtunity, although I am smart enough to figure out jumping wouldn't do me any good.
Yesterday, I decided to make a promise to stop kicking myself for what is going on currently and to actually try to go on and just do what is right for me to do. Sometimes that isn't easy to do, especially when you have two small children, who just want their Dad back, I want my son and daughter, but I want a family not me spend time with the kids, Ann spends time with the kids and shit is seperate. That is frustratating, however, another thing that differs is I know how Ann is playing shit this time, so there is no need to get pissed off if she doesn't want this now or if ever, and expecting it just because I did such and such isn't going to do me any good. Ann needs to figure out where her head and her heart is. Nothing I say or do is going to change that. She don't feel nothing, nothing I can do but go out and look for someone who does feel, and is capable of giving back. As stupid as it sound I wrote it out and signed it and have been carrying it around with me. Maybe to remind myself not to slack off, but to just maintain and enjoy who I am and what I am and not continue to believe that just Because Ann Berkey said this or that doesn't make it necessarilly true.
Work is pissing me off because once again I had to grab vacation to make sure I grabbed at least thirty hours. And talking to Ann on the phone today she is starting to sweat the finances. So She knows at least at this particular time there is no way she can do what she wants to do whether that is filing or whatever.
Spirits are okay not great, tired. But not distraught. Hurting but not having that hurt dibilatate me like last year. This is not the same naive guy as last year that was doing all these changes expecting okay now that I made them your going to change your mind. I finally came to terms that I shouldn't have to wait for Ann's approval don't mean shit. It's how I feel about me, I am the one that lives with me everyday.
That's not to say if the circumstances between me and her were to change, I wouldn't want to jump at the oppurtunity, although I am smart enough to figure out jumping wouldn't do me any good.
posted by Joel at 6:36 PM
3 Comments:
Hi,
Ok, I'm lost. Did you give Ann the letter, or are you holding it still? I would definately try giving it to her. Communication is very important, even if its a letter. Sometimes we really can't say what we want- when its verbal it can come out wrong, then you end up fighting again.
I wish you luck in your situation.
FYI, you scared me into avoiding marriage at all costs! ; )
Joel,
Just want to let you know that I am still reading. You've posted a couple of times on Jerk's blog to the effect that you are not as popular as him.
I don't know if that's true, but your posts have been so heavy of late that it's hard to respond without sounding like an ass.
I hope things go better for you, and I am sorry about the shit that you're going through. I can only extrapolate from my own life, and I know how hard it would be for me to miss my kid everyday.
Keep us posted, because some of us are still listening.
Where the hell are you man?!
They laid down a strict NO YAHOO MESSENGER ban at my job. You gotta call me man.
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